Once I hit about year 3 1/2 of widowhood, for whatever reason, the mantra “I can do hard things” started to be my theme song, well, at least in my head. I just got it in my mind that I wanted to try “all the things,” as the young people say. I wanted to do everything from biking to kayaking to art classes to history tours to dating to political groups to biblical studies. The thing that stuck? Biking! From the moment I got on my newly purchased bike, I fell completely back in love with life. I would have fleeting thoughts of “Hmmm, maybe this might not be safe,” which I would quickly override with, “I survived caregiving an ALS patient and his subsequent death… it’ll be fine!”
And maybe it is the subconscious part of my grief, the being mad at my husband, ‘You died, let me show you how good life is!’ but I don’t think so. I’ve discussed this with many widows. Widows seem to fall in distinct camps. Many want things to stay exactly the same; others want to move forward, yet some widows can’t stop living in the past. Each of us is different. Neither of us is wrong. I have been each of these widows in different seasons of grief. Currently, I have this insatiable, and I mean tangibly insatiable, need to live. And I’m sure there’s enough psychological “stuff” to keep me on a psych’s sofa for a decade with that one loaded statement.
I desire to see other widows propel forward to a rewarding and fulfilling new life. This is possible by:
1.) faith
2.) believing that Joy is a conscious decision you make every single day
3.) embracing your life, your “new normal,” going forward—this does not mean forgetting. This means honoring what was, acknowledging what isn’t right or fair but actively deciding to build a new life that will one day be pleasing.
Once you can commit to these things, it’s time to figure out what puts a smile on your face. Start by saying ‘yes’ to friends’ invitations even if you don’t want to. Sometimes the enjoyment follows the commitment. Also, check out the app “Meet Up.” Enter any activity under the sun and see what geographical community offers what you think you’d like to try. If it’s an hour away, go! I put 68,000 miles on my car in 2 years. I accepted every invitation within a 3-hour radius. I attended every seminar and went to every class, lecture, or activity available, just figuring out what it was that was pleasurable in my life. Honestly, some days nothing was. Some days I cried, looking at old photos of my girls, my husband, and myself thinking about the future and what could have been. Other nights I wept over what was. But I had committed to finding joy in what IS. Somewhere every day, so by gosh, I was going to find it!
So, I ordered a bike during COVID, waited months for its arrival. Once it came, I fell absolutely in love. I was hooked from the very first ride. And then I bought another bike so that my daughter or any friend visiting could come along for a ride. And through this biking love affair, I found more than biking. I found exercise, independence, problem-solving, travel, team building, new friendships, discipline, fun, more prayer time. I found me again. I have found Joy. I can do the hard things!